Abby Dearest, My name is Abby Feiner. I was wondering, how did you become famous? I am 10 years old and I REALLY want to become famous! And my friends help me. I sing every day! And my friends say I deserve to become a star. so i was wondering: HOW? Love, Abby Feiner age 10 Dear Abby, We seem to have a lot in common:) Not only do we share the same name but I too have been told that I should be famous for most of my life:) I'm not sure I'm the best person to answer your question as I am not exactly a house hold word but here's my best shot: First: Fame can be great- It's fun to feel important and see your picture in magazines but here's there is a crappy/ phony side of fame: Have you ever had a popular friend who you thought was on your side who wound up being a liar or a gossip or a coward? That's what fame can be like. Fame is exactly like being popular at school only on a bigger level-Fame comes and goes without being attached to anything really important like honesty, love and hard work. Here's what I think- and granted it may be because I'm really not all that famous- Fame is the most rewarding when you get attention for doing something you believe in. I know you are only 10- but always remember- your opinion is just as important as anyone else's! It might be fun to think about why you love music. How does it make you feel to sing? What would you like to share with people through your singing? Famous people are always aware of their audience. Pay attention to the effect you have on other people when you are singing to them. How do you want them to feel- An entertainer is nothing without an audience.If you love singing then continue to sing every day. Find opportunities to sing in front of other people. Even if you are the best singer in your town- you can't expect other people to know how talented you are if they don't have a chance to hear you. Go to talent shows, school plays, join a band. Show people what you are made of!!! Do not pass up an opportunity to sing in front of anyone- you never know who might be in the audience!!!!! The fact that your friends believe in you and want to help is great!!!! They can help you advertise your performances by calling their friends or passing out flyers at school or at the mall. You can even have a party where you sing for them at your house if your parents say it's ok. Important things to be careful of: If anyone wants you or your parents to give them money to let you sing or "give you exposure" they are bad people and should be avoided. Also be careful of any grown up who tells you that your parents don't understand you and tries to get you to keep secrets from your family. Not all grown ups are good and if you ever, even for a second, feel frightened or uncomfortable then run away and tell your Mom and Dad or a teacher you like at school. ALLWAYS TRUST YOUR INSINCTS! Abby- you know what's even better than being famous? Being happy:) If music makes you happy it will make other people happy to hear you sing. Study music- The singers that you like- Read about their lives and what inspires them. Learn what the words in the songs you sing mean and feel their meaning as you are singing them. If through your singing, you can make your self feel better when you are sad- then you'll be able to make other people feel better too!! The most important thing to remember is to stick to it! A singer who doesn't sing is not a singer- the more you work at your craft the more you will learn. Do not be afraid of making mistakes- mistakes can be great for growth and inspiration . Since you are a young girl you can learn a lot from older more knowledgeable people by just asking questions (which is what you've done with me- good job!!!!) I wish you the best and thank you for writing, Abby T An Hour and 2 Inches: Abby Dearest My love life is just all fucked up in general. I fall for people too fast, too quickly. My first relationship lasted a year and a half off and on, and while I loved him with all my heart he did so many things...i'd rather not go into detail...but i just had to give up on the relationship. And now, I fell again. For someone else, and one week ago he was saying how much he wanted to be with me then all of a sudden he just wanted to be friends. I found out recently that his problem is he doesnt like getting close to people and it took me a long hour of staring him 2 inches in front of his face and asking him repeatedly to answer me WHY until he finally told me. And, basically, what he said all pointed at the fact that he doesn't want to get too close to someone and then have them leave. How on earth do I convince him that I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO HIM?? I want to be with him more than anything right now, it's all I can think about. He's the only one who's been able to really make me happy, and now he's taking that away because he just wants to be friends "best friends". He is a very good friend, and we spend a lot of time together, but I want more, and I know he does too he's just so scared...please help me:( *Tracey* Dear Tracey, You are smothering this guy. Staring at him for an hour two inches in front of his face and repeating the question "Why?" over and over again is like a Maoist torture technique!!! He must actually really want to be your friend if he didn't run for the hills! Do both of yourselves a favor and relax, and enjoy your time together. You can not convince him that you would never leave him nor do you know that to be true as it is in the future and anything can happen. Guys get really freaked out when you put too much pressure on them too soon- which is what you've done. Don't beat your self up over it though- I've made the same mistake several times. Get busy with your own life and learn to control your thoughts and daydreams so you don't waste a bunch of time obsessing over this person. The more healthy and together you are the more healthy and together your relationships will be.good luck and just take a lot of deep breaths and exhale.... Abby T Some Sound Advice: Abby Dearest Well, here it is - I am a 20 year old guy who has been single for the past year and four months. I was in a relationship with a girl who lives in Texas - I live in NY, we met online and were together for 3 years and 3 months (we use to visit each other every six months). Naively i thought our love would last forever and while mine still lingers, she found someone else where she lives - it is to be expected, right? I am not mad at her, i am more just upset with myself for being so naive. Anyway - I have never had much luck with ladies and spent my high school years with her - so I never dated. A few months back I did take a girl I was interested in to dinner at a nice resturant - only to find she wasn't interested. I am not bad looking or anything, I am just really shy and find when I do start to "like" a girl, it is hard for me to approach them. This is probably a real cliche question, but I would like to know your take on it. Thanks, Cataline Dear Cataline, First off, and I hate to break it to you, but a three and a half year "relationship" where the couple see each other only 6-7 times is not a relationship!! It is precisely what people who are afraid of being in a real relationship do to feel like they are in a relationship without having to do the work to have one. Don't be mad at your self for being "naive". You are only 20! It's all part of the learning curve. What you need is PRACTICE!!!! Dating is like learning to play an instrument. There are a few prodigies out there that pick up a violin and shred from the get go but most of us have to try and try again before we figure out how to play the darn thing:) I understand your being shy and how awkward it might feel to approach women so here are a couple of ideas that may or may not help: 1. Hang out with women just as friends to start to see how we work. You might gain some new wonderful new friends and many of the best romantic relationships grow from friendships. Ask questions- Girls love to talk, especially about our selves!! Cultivate female friends of different backgrounds to get different points of view. You may think you are attracted to the Goth girl in the corner and then discover a whole new world from some lady who works at the local movie theater. Knowledge is power- You can allways decide later that you don't like someone but you won't know unless you try. It might be easier for you to meet women this way as the initial pressure of romance will not be so scary:) 2. Go to a club or place where no one knows you and try talking to women. If they blow you off you won't feel like a jerk because no one you care about will be around to see! Plus if your friends are really your friends they wouldn't care and would want to help and give you advice anyways. 3. Join a band-- I don't need to explain how this one works!!! LOL 3.B and C- become a DJ or start throwing parties.. same kinda thing 4. Think about the things that you do that make you feel confidant. Are you smart? Good at art? Good with animals, computers, an honest person? I'm sure you have several traits and/ or skills that are worthy of being proud of. Think about them and rejoice in them before you go to sleep and before you go out. These are places of power for you. Cultivate the relationship you have with your self as you would with your relationships with others. If you have confidence in your self- other people are more attracted to you. Plus you become happier and more at ease which is it's own reward. best of luck, AbbyDearest The Power Switch Abby Dearest, I have a moral dilemma. I believe in not squandering resources and being conscientious. Turning of lights that are not in use is automatic to me and has been since I was a child. I don't feel flip about the issue. I work for a corporation where most everyone seems to care less. I don't go around proselytizing about it nor do I care to. I just unobtrusively turn off lights when they are no longer in use. No one seems to notice or care. No problem up to this point. Then one day a friend of mine made a point of leaving a light on. "I do this to drive up their base rate," he said. This was convincing to me since I feel the same way about this corporation as he does: they are exploitive and uninterested in the welfare of their workforce. I can't overstate this enough. This is a typical callous corporation and there is no use in giving them the benefit of the doubt-not when most of the people I work with work full time for years and draw no benefits, including me. So now I feel like a rube when I turn off those lights. Not sure which impulse to give in to. Sincerely, Craig Hi Craig, You would feel like more of a rube if you were an uncaring asshole like the corporate monstrosity you work for. Feel proud for turning off the lights because that action is for the greater good of man. Just think of the little old lady who might not die of a heat stroke because you turned off those lights!!! If you were to stop doing what you think is right on a daily basis you would be emulating the very behavior that you find so despicable. That light switch is David's club!!! Swing it! best of luck,Abby T P.S. There are, of course other ways to get back at the company that don't waste valuable resources... be creative and think about the effects of your actions- I often find that the energy wasted on revenge is totally wasted- I good funny prank, however can make my week!! What is it with the dig dumb troll? Abby Dearest, I am a native to the Bay Area, and when I was 17 I dated a girl that I later found out used to date James Hetfield of Metallica. To be honest, I've never cared much for the band, met James once and he was a total turd of a human being, and find the guy pretty repulsive on every level. Upon news, I dumped the girl ... I just got and still get the hebbie jebbies think I ... oh let's NOT even go there ... (yes I got myself been tested for everything under the sun!!) Now some15 years later, I've had several female friends comment on how hot they think James is ... and these are women I find really attractive, are in other ways very hip, educated, smart, and seem to have it together ... but upon news of their lust for James I feel terror and confusion ... the guy seems like such a big ape and goon to me ... I don't get it ... shruggin' my shoulders over here, ~ M Dear M, I understand your confusion. Although I've never met James Hetfield he does seem overtly male and apish which is precisely why some women find him HOT. Since the advent of birth control in the 1960's the role of women in society has changed greatly; whereas, the role of heterosexual men has not really matured. This has created a real social gap. We women now enjoy (at times), being treated as equals in the workplace and having our ideas heard and recognized. Yet at times that Darwinian pull of - "big guy, protector, can probably fix things around the house, dominating male," is totally compelling. It does not surprise me that the friends you speak of are smart and together. I find that after being in charge of my band, a marginally pathetic record label, and 10 scrillion other aspects of my life that having a man be the boss in the bedroom is ideal. It is comparable to the old cliche of the super powerful CEO going to a dominatrix. Plus there are hundreds of years of tradition that are culturally ingrained in many of us that say men should conquer and women should be conquered. I for one get annoyed when submissive men worship me and want me to punish them. It kinda grosses me out. Fortunately the unbelievably wide variety of tastes and preferences that exist in the sexuality of humans can provide for everyone. There are plenty of girls who love androgynous EMO guys and that's just swell. I mean just so I don't pigenhole myself- I'd be quite happy to make love to David Bowie JUST ABOUT ANYTIME and he's totally sexy- androgynous. One comment I would like to make about your letter is that I think it' pretty shallow to break up with someone over a past relationship. I mean what guy would want to put every person he's ever been intimate with on the table for character review? Your actual wording is "terror and confusion". I venture a guess that you are projecting some insecurities about your own masculinity. <---- A potentially uncomfortable thought but perhaps worth questioning. (I mean "terror" is a very strong word) Last but not least; Do you allways find yourself dating the same kind of woman? (if so: How boring?) anyways hope this helps in some way and best of luck, Abby T Abby Dearest, Alright I have this boyfriend who has not been the nicest to me. He has to constantly make references to my ex-boyfriends and relationships. It's a rarity that a day goes by and he doesn't insult me by bringing up my "so-called horrible" past. I have been with him for 2 years and I feel that by now he should have gotten over things or called it quits with us a long time ago. He also hassles me about hanging out with any of my female friends that I had when I was dating other people. Some people say that since he is only 22, that it is common for men to act jealous and get offended that they are not the only boyfriends a girl has had. Do you see this way of acting as an immature phase? Kimberly Hi Kimberly, This is a pretty easy one- If he's been an asshole for 2 years, and you've verbally explained that his behavior is unacceptable for you and he hasn't changed his ways- He's just an asshole:) Brake up with him- There's no reason to be in a relationship with someone who insults you EVERY DAY. You can do better and be happier:) good luck, Abby T help me pplleaassee Abby Dearest~ I've been dating a guy for the past year, and he's amazing. We're very happy together. He's enlisted in the marines, and his ship off date is in July. He's a reservist, so he'd normally be coming back for college. We'd both be going to the same one and everything... but the reserves in the las vegas area have been activated....so there's a great chance he won't be coming back for another 2 years. We're still young, High school love is all BS. All I know is I'm happy with him...so should I wait for him to come back and take 2 years out of my life because I know it'll be worth it? Or do I give up now because things can change a lot in two years? Things just seems so hopeless between us with all that's going on. thanks so much, Abby -Allie Dear Allie, Don't give up hope!!! I think it's wonderful that you two are so happy together and don't think it's necessary to make a "now or never" type decision today. Anything can happen and you don't want to limit your horizions. What if the two of you just decided to be honest with one another and take things as they come? I mean he could come back to the states in 3 months or you could meet and fall in love with someone else or he could too or the whole world could explode or locusts could swarm the desert and then turn into giant flying lollypops. I think you two should try and enjoy the time you have together as much as possible and also really discuss the issue with one another. As long as there is an understanding between the two of you about what the boundries are everything will turn out one way or another. good luck, Abby feedback on Rush-n-Lovers Abby Dearest~ Your theory on Rush fans being poor lovers is quite true in my experience. My last girlfriend was a complete Rush junkie. For whatever reason, she had got it stuck in her head that Rush was the greatest band ever. Of course, she was completely into the math rock thing as terrifying as that was. She was also a control freak, she had to know exactly what was going on at all times and be able to prepare for it. As you predicted in your glory, she couldn't let go of herself and get stuck in a moment. And to make things worse, she would only make love to Rush. Do you know how hard it is to set up a nice romantic mood when you know that you have to push the play button on one of those dreadful discs? And as for the actual lovemaking, it was formulaic. I swear, it was like some horribly choreographed video or something. Each stage would last for exactly the same amount of time everytime. One day, I thought I'd try to spice things up, so I made a mix cd. The first few songs were Rush, and then after that the cd moved on to some music I liked. Now maybe "Stuck in the Middle with You" isn't the most romantic song, but she was instantaneously out of the mood as soon as Rush went off. After that incident, our days were numbered. Nate G Tempe, AZ Subject: How Soon is Now? Abby Dearest, Thank you for taking time in reading this and hopefully answering this. I have a problem ... I recently met up with a great person who is everything that I ever wanted in a person: great personality, awesome music selection, funny, layed back and a great kisser. anyway, how can I let this person know without damaging our relationship? By the way Rush sucks a lot. thanks. --- c --- Hi Carlos, I think it's a bad idea to start making huge declarations of love too early in a relationship. My advice to you is to continue to ask this person out and have a lot of fun when you two are together. Actions speak: bring flowers, treat the person to dinner- or if that is out of your budget plan a lovely hike or spend time making the object of your affections a fabulous mix CD/tape. (Important note: Unless you are a seriously talented writer refrain from potentially embarrassing songs/ poems in the early stages as they can be realllllyyyy hard to take!!!) When you are hanging out with the object of your affections be really objective and try and see the interaction the two of you are having from an outside or "third person" perspective. That way you can more accurately see how he/she is responding to you- because one often projects emotions that may or may not actually exist on folks they are mad for:) Over all just be confident and if you do slip and say "I love you" too soon don't apologize. good luck, AbbyDearest Subject: Closer to the Heart? Abby Dearest. My last boyfriend was a huge Rush fan. He used to force me to listen to Rush in his car and try to convince me to like it. I don't know what it is about this music, but I could barely stand it. Luckily I found all Rush's songs completely forgettable and was able to get them (and the boyfriend) out of my system. There's a new guy that seems to like me, but to my horror I discovered many Rush CDs in his collection. Should I run screaming? Or is there some ineffable quality to Geddy Lee's voice that my untrained ears should learn to appreciate? Sincerely, Canadian Rock-o-phobe Dear Canadian Rock-o-phobe, THE HORROR! THE HORROR!! It is my humble opinion that Rush is one of the worst bands ever. Toto and Rush are my two least favorite bands on the planet and Rush definitely wins the prize for "the band with the highest content of annoying tone quality." Geddy Lee's shrill Ethel Merman meets Axl Rose caterwaul is nails on a chalk board to me and his bass tone has NO BASS IN IT!!! Question: Was your last boyfriend any good in bed? My theory- and I've not done any research to try and back it up, is that guys who like Rush are into the intellectual math rock difficulty factor in Rush's music and consequently might not be very intuitive, passionate people. In fact I might venture to say that a die hard Rush fan could be extremely uptight!!! (Unless he was some kind of hot white trash stoner on crystal meth- oops did I just say that?????!!!!) I would postulate that the average Rush fan is afraid of letting go which is a major reason to listen to good Rock and Roll and certainly a contributing factor in fabulous lovemaking. Rush really are the anti- Barry White aren't they? Here's the disclaimer: Some people are not huge music fans. There are folks who just sort of listen to stuff that they hear on the radio or might like a completely crap record because it reminds them of a happy time in their past. I do not think it's important for couple to have the exact same taste in order to be happy- in fact that'd get really boring. Obviously what's more important is how he treats you, how much chemistry you two have, is he trust worthy, bla bla bla etc. Perhaps you should ask him what it is about Rush that he likes? You've mentioned that this new guy seems to like you but you've not mentioned that you like him!! I would also be curious to know if my theory has any validity at all so feedback would be great on that- in fact anyone who has ever dated a Rush fan- please write us and let us know all about your sexual experiences with them. (Are they latent Trekkies?) Thanks for your letter and good luck!!! Abby Dearest P.S. Thank god for Neil Young and Joni Mitchell! Subject: I have a problemo! Abby Dearest. I moved from England to Amsterdam, Holland, leaving behind my Music Technology coursework, my bass, and my amp. Now my neighbour has it in England and I shall recieve it soon, and my boyfriend bought me a new bass. However, i moved here to 'get into the music business' one way or another, yet have found myself working in a record store earning a pittance. This place isn't so good for music careers, it's not exactly thriving. However, I am under the impression Berlin is. Shall I just sack it all in this weird, junkie city and get a plane to Berlin? Or is it just that i'm lazy? (i am), what do you think I should do? It's the most important thing to me. Also if you have any blagging tips for getting a job along these lines then please, dish them out! I know this isn't a funny problem or anything, sorry, but it's deadly serious. I don't know what to do!!! Lastly, thanks for the 'Bootsy Collins' bass tips about 18 months ago!!! I now have 3 James Brown CDs thanks to your suggestions. take care and thanks, Fiona. Hi Fiona, Thanks for writing. I think you should go to Berlin for a week or a weekend or whatever you can pull off and check it out. Berlin does have a reputation for being quite the happening spot these days but I've actually never been there so you should check it out your self. Perhaps there are some egroups or music lists for both Berlin and Amsterdam where you can meet like minded individuals. You've not really mentioned what you've done to try and reach out and get involved in the scene in Amsterdam besides getting a job at a record store. Is it possible that the perceived deadness of Amsterdam is actually untrue and that there are great people and cool scenes that might take a little daring and experimentation in order to find? I think it's great that you are willing to move around to find the city that fits you best. The spirit of adventure is truly helpful for anyone who wants to be a successful musician:) I do think that it might be helpful for you to make a couple of lists though: 1. "The what are my dreams and goals list" 2. "The what actions have a taken to try and achieve these goals list" 3. "The likes/ dislikes of Amsterdam and where ever you lived in England list." See if you see the same problems with both Amsterdam and where you lived in England, if so; they may not be inherent to the exterior surroundings. Good luck and keep us posted on your trip to Berlin. PS- There is a big article in this months Spin Magazine (US) on the Berlin scene. perhaps you could find it online. |